So lately I’ve been thinking about this a lot, or rather more so recently after Holly and I had our heart to heart talks about.. what is it like being a little girl without a daddy.
I am not going to go into the nitty gritty details and tell you how hard it is going to be, because I’m sure it’s hard for anyone, on any side of the spectrum, little girls, ABs, Daddies, Mommies. If this is part of you, and not just a kink, you’ll understand how important it is to find that person.
This isn’t about the search for that person, because honestly holly and I, we’re still searching. Somewhat doubtful, sometimes scared and even losing faith but in the end, we can only truck on.
I guess what I want to talk about is, personally for me, how… easy it is for me to start relying on someone, once I’ve let them in and let them assume the daddy role. After all, I’d like to think that my ex daddy left me because I was too clingy rather than I wasn’t good enough for him. Digressing but anyways. As long as he know the right buttons to push, and a part of you opens up, lets go and cave a little, that is it. I’m almost as good as gone. One of the pains of being a single little girl for so long is, once you had a taste of what it feels like, you want it more. It’s like a drug addiction, I can’t seem to kick, once little lick and I lose myself.
You tell yourself, it doesn’t matter, this person shouldn’t matter so much to you, but honestly who are you kidding. You grin stupidly to yourself, when you talk to him, see him. This person makes you.. feel comfortable, and he makes you smile. He doesn’t ask much of you except for you to just be yourself. He thinks you’re perfect the way you are.
Do you see why it’s so hard to get rid of him now?
You’re scared to death that any longer and you’d start depending on this person more so than you should, more than it is natural to. No one else should be responsible for your happiness, at least from an adult point of view. But when you’re in little mode, that doesn’t click in your mind, because you know daddy is responsible for you.
How do you create a buffer-zone with the person you’re suppose to entrust yourself to? How do you keep your feelings neutral when you’re unsure where it’s headed? How do you keep a part of yourself that’s still big enough that it doesn’t hurt as much if it ends?
Because honest to god, I’m scared. I’ve lost myself once, I don’t want the same thing to happen again. After all, once bitten, twice shunned.
Anything other than yes is no
Anything other than stay is go
— John Mayer